Awake

Normally, I'm a pretty low-key person, with emotional ups and downs like anybody else... lately, it's been disturbingly neutral. What I mean is, nothing "bad" has struck me as particularly unexpected or noteworthy, and the only real "good" has been the occasional brief laugh at an unexpected joke or image, with no real lasting after-effects. It's a state of affairs that might not be exactly "healthy", but, with a steady emotional keel, the mechanics of life (especially work) tend to be much easier... well, up to the past day or two. You see, while nothing felt particularly "wrong", nothing felt particularly "right" either... even the computer and video games I play in my off time lacked their usual allure.

Today, I'm working from home... I took care of the standard "maintenance" items from work in the morning, got myself set up to do some "creative" work in the afternoon, and... again, it didn't feel "right". I couldn't motivate myself to do the simplest thing that involved any active thought on my part. I was feeling a bit under the weather, so I figured maybe a quick nap on the couch might help, so I went to lie down, and... that didn't feel "right" either. Now, anybody that's dealt with me over an extended period of time knows how highly I value sleep... so, for a nap to feel off, something has to be terribly wrong. It was time for me to do a little bit of mental housekeeping, to see what could be troubling me so.

What came to me was this... the common thread between my work and my play of late has been activity. Not physical activity, certainly, but mental activity... plotting, planning, scheduling, monitoring... chaining activities together for maximum efficiency (though, thankfully, not much in the way of this age's scourge of "multitasking"). It's been years since I have routinely "lived in the moment"... heck, even petting my cats tended to be something along the lines of "I'll do this for a few seconds, then I'll go...". I tested my hypothesis with a bit of the old Ludwig Van that came on the radio just then... I laid there on the couch and did nothing but listen for about a half-hour or so.

The difference was immediate and enormous. It was like a fog lifted from my brain (although it still feels a bit "tender"), and, I swear, even my eyesight improved, though I know not exactly how that works out. Looks like I'm on the right track... and it looks like more books and DVDs in my mix of off time activities will be more than just a "good idea" to be ignored like in past days. In fact, I'm off to go watch Scrooge now... time to turn the rest of today into one of those "mental health" days other companies than mine offer their employees directly.